I should probably title this blog The Day I Started the Journey to Accepting Myself. But, of course, it's so much more complex than that.
I work as a counsellor in Colchester and online, supporting women navigating ADHD, including those who receive a diagnosis later in life.
Recently, I've worked with several women who have only just received their diagnosis and are beginning to process what it means. I wanted to explore just how complex that moment can be.
ADHD is often misrepresented in the media as being primarily about executive functioning, time blindness, difficulties with concentration and hyperactivity. But there is another side that is talked about far less: the emotional toll it can take, sometimes from a very young age, and the lasting impact this can have on mental health and self-worth.
Women often come to me in their forties and fifties, only just beginning the journey of understanding themselves. They may be carrying a lifetime of trauma, self-criticism, self-hatred and profound feelings of invalidation.
Sometimes, parenting neurodivergent children themselves can ignite a spark, prompting them to look back at their own childhood, their experiences and the ways they've learned to cope.
The similarities can be both humbling and jarring. Seeing a little version of yourself staring back at you, struggling, dysregulated and trying to navigate a neurotypical world can bring up all sorts of confusing emotions.
I remember the day I received my own diagnosis with a heavy heart. At first, I felt almost numb, indifferent. I'm not sure what I expected.
There it was, in black and white. Suddenly, so many experiences, misdiagnoses and unanswered questions began to make sense.
Memories flashed before my eyes. Some were gut-wrenchingly painful; others brought back angry little reminders. The things you were criticised for. The opportunities you missed. The relationships that left you questioning yourself. The constant feeling that everyone else seemed to be managing life just fine, while you were always chasing behind.
Then, little glimmers of validation started to creep in.
For once, my thoughts weren't entirely consumed by self-criticism and blame.
What if there was a reason I'd always found things harder than everyone else?
Maybe my brain had simply worked differently from my friends at school.
And then the other questions began to surface.
Why didn't anyone notice? What might I have become if I'd received help earlier? And how do I actually feel about myself now?
Early life: When you never quite felt good enough
You might remember constantly being told off at school for talking. Or perhaps you were the quiet girl, the one who tried so hard to pretend you understood the work when, in reality, you were struggling to keep up.
The unbearable discomfort of sitting still in assembly, forcing yourself to sit with your legs crossed and stay focused.
Parents telling you off or, worse, reinforcing the belief that you were the difficult one, the hyper one, the strange one, or simply the one who never seemed quite good enough in everyone else's eyes.
The ADHD child often can become the scapegoat… and this is a topic that has dominated many a therapy session I've had the privilege of holding.
Friendships could be difficult to navigate. You talked too much, felt too much, needed too much. You desperately wanted to be loved, included and accepted, but time and time again you felt misunderstood.
Later in life, perhaps there were turbulent relationships, problems with addiction, job hopping and cycles of chaos and despair.
The medical world may have presented you with various diagnoses, if you were fortunate enough to get that far, but somehow it never quite felt as though anyone had got to the bottom of things.
Grieving the girl you used to be
This is the work I do with my clients, and it's something I've had to do myself.
A late diagnosis can bring your life into focus in a way you weren't expecting. You begin to remember all the ways in which you've struggled, often without the understanding, support or self-compassion that might have helped along the way.
Perhaps one of the hardest things to confront is the self-criticism. That internal bully that has followed you around your whole life, commenting on everything and adding another layer of difficulty to every perceived failure.
You begin to realise just how important it is to be understood and accepted for who you are.
Remembering all of this can come in painful waves, particularly in the days and weeks following a diagnosis.
When the diagnosis brings up old wounds
You may find that old wounds resurface, and you start to remember people, relationships and events from your past through a slightly different lens.
As you gently begin to unravel some of these memories, you might find yourself developing a kinder, more compassionate narrative about your experiences.
Sometimes in therapy, we call this reparenting yourself. It's about learning to give yourself some of the understanding, love and nurturing that may have been missing earlier in life. It can help you look back at your younger self with greater compassion, rather than continuing to judge her by the standards you've spent years trying to meet.
You may have spent years trying to fix yourself
Many women who receive a late ADHD diagnosis have already spent years working on themselves.
They may have tried to become more organised, more disciplined, less emotional or better at managing their time. They may have bought countless planners, downloaded productivity apps, made elaborate lists and promised themselves that this time they would finally get everything together.
Perhaps now it's time to start making life work for you, rather than trying to mould yourself into routines that simply don't work.
How do you manage your emotions? How do you navigate dopamine-seeking behaviours? Are your friendships and relationships healthy? Could you adapt the way you approach parenting? What support is available to you? Is medication something you might want to explore?
There is a lot to think about, and it can feel overwhelming. But it can also open the door to an entirely different way of living.
Finally, you get the chance to work with yourself, rather than feeling as though you're trying to climb a mountain with a huge weight dragging you down.
If any of this resonates with you, I'd be happy to hear from you.
If you're a woman who has spent years feeling misunderstood, overwhelmed or as though you're constantly trying to keep up, you don't have to make sense of everything on your own.
Counselling can offer a space to explore the impact of a late ADHD diagnosis, process difficult experiences from the past and begin to develop a kinder relationship with yourself.
You deserve to be understood, not just by other people, but by yourself, too.
You don't have to keep holding everything together. I offer long-term work, as well as limited sessions for post-diagnosis emotional processing and support.
Book a free 15-minute consultation.
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