The ‘Good Enough’ Parent

The ‘Good Enough’ Parent: A Counsellor’s Perspective for Parents with ADHD and Trauma

Parenting is hard. Parenting with ADHD and a history of trauma? That’s a whole different level of Intense. Many parents in this position carry a deep sense of guilt or inadequacy, constantly questioning whether they’re doing enough—or worse, damaging their child.

I have worked with lots of clients in this position, and can also relate to these feelings myself.

But let me introduce a concept that might bring some relief: the “good enough” parent.

Founded by British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, the “good enough” parent is not perfect. They make mistakes. They miss cues. They get overwhelmed. But crucially, they repair, they love, and they show up—over and over again. And that, more than anything else, is what helps a child grow into a resilient, emotionally secure human being. I remember learning this concept in training and now as a Mum its something that always pops into my head, when I am being too hard on myself

What It Means to Be a “Good Enough” Parent

Being a “good enough” parent doesn’t mean settling or giving up. It means letting go of perfectionism and understanding children can deal with a certain amount of conflict and chaos. It’s about creating a safe, stable-enough environment, not a flawless one.

This concept is especially powerful for parents managing ADHD and trauma. You may not always be able to stay calm or organized. You might forget things. You might react more strongly than you’d like. But these moments do not define you or your child’s future.

In fact, your willingness to reflect, apologize, and try again can strengthen the relationship.

The ADHD & Trauma Lens

ADHD: When Focus and Regulation Are a Daily Battle

If you’re parenting with ADHD, executive dysfunction might make daily routines, time management, and emotional regulation feel like you are doing the impossible every day. You might forget school events, struggle with patience, overwhelm and overstimulation.

And that’s okay.

You are not failing your child. You are human. A human doing their best with a brain that works differently.

Small systems can help—like visual schedules, alarms, and body doubling—but self-compassion is your biggest tool. Your ability to show up authentically teaches your child empathy, flexibility, and creativity.

Trauma: When the Past Shows Up in the Present

Trauma doesn’t just live in your past—it lives in your nervous system. You may find yourself triggered by your child’s meltdowns or overwhelmed by the pressure to “do better” than your own parents did.

But here’s the truth: you’re already breaking the cycle simply by being aware of it.

The fact that you’re reading this, reflecting, and trying to parent differently is a radical act of love and courage.

Trauma-informed parenting means knowing that both you and your child will sometimes dysregulate—and learning how to come back to connection afterward. It means building a home where feelings are safe, not punished. A place where rupture is followed by repair.

What Children Actually Need

Children don’t need a perfect parent. They need:

• A safe base: Someone who tries to understand them.

• Emotional co-regulation: A calm(ish) presence to help manage big feelings.

• Repair: An adult who can say, “I’m sorry. I got that wrong.”

• Consistency over perfection: Not never yelling, but showing up again after yelling and making amends.

When you repair after a rupture, you teach your child how to do the same. You model resilience, accountability, and humility. These are lifelong gifts.

A Counsellor’s Reminder to You

If you’re a parent with ADHD and trauma, you are often fighting a battle inside your own mind before you even respond to your child. That’s not weakness—that’s incredible strength.

You’re not parenting from an instruction manual. You’re parenting from a legacy you’re actively rewriting. And that’s brave.

Here’s what I want you to remember:

• Your effort counts, even when it’s messy.

• Your love matters, even when it’s tired.

• Your child doesn’t need perfect. They need you.

You are the “good enough” parent. And that is more than enough.

If you're looking for support on this journey, therapy can help you build tools for regulation, address shame, and reconnect with your strengths. You don't have to do this alone. I provide counselling services in Colchester, specialising in adult ADHD, Anxiety and childhood trauma.