10 Ways to Heal a Relationship in Crisis — When you both have a trauma history

10 ways to heal a relationship in crisis — When you both have a trauma history

When you are in a relationship with another person and you both have trauma and complex childhoods, things can get complicated. Unhealed trauma, addiction, and poor coping mechanisms can cause a lot of pain and conflict. I always tell my clients that any unhealed issues with Mum and Dad will likely be projected onto your partner. All the survival tools we develop early on quickly become unhelpful in adult romantic relationships.

Healing is possible but requires a lot of hard work, being vulnerable, curious, and willing to do the work on yourself as well as together.

Here are 10 ways to start this process.

 1.      Learn safe communication

The way you experienced communication as a child will have a huge impact on your relationships. You may have come to expect conflict, manipulation, verbal abuse, or feeling shamed and misunderstood. Perhaps you now shut down when faced with conflict? Or find yourself becoming argumentative?

Ask questions and learn to listen, be curious, and don’t criticise, listen to your tone, and take breaks if you need them. Both work on creating a calm and safe space to feel heard.

 2. Acknowledge your past together

Recognising that your childhood is influencing your relationship in the here and now can bring so much compassion into the relationship. This can also be one of the first stages of starting the healing journey together.

 3. It’s about the repair, not the rupture.

Learn to focus on the repair aspect of communication after an argument or difficult conversation. Both focusing on kindness and apologizing to each other are important in building trust, intimacy, and a deep sense of connection.

4. Learn your triggers

Couples with a trauma history can be prone to explosive arguments. One needs space, one needs validation, one feels abandoned, one feels suffocated. Learning what causes the triggers is key to understanding each other's individual needs. For example, does being invalidated remind you of your relationship with your Mother, or does storming off during an argument trigger an early abandonment wound? How can you recognize the triggers and still look after yourself? Taking time to take deep breaths and verbally acknowledging what is going on emotionally in the moment can be helpful.

5. Seek trauma-informed individual counselling or couple therapy

There may be work that needs to be done on an individual basis that will then assist the work that can be done with couple counselling.

6. Redefine what Intimacy means

Many people with a trauma history find sexual intimacy threatening and complex. Learning to be close to your partner without feeling pressured or having boundaries pushed is important for emotional safety. Spend time together and be close without it having to lead to sex.

7. Build routine and ritual together

Small gestures like a daily check-in text, sharing your day over a meal every night, cuddles before bed, and weekly date nights can help soothe the nervous system. Individuals with a trauma history thrive with routine and consistency.

8. Hold space for grief

As you learn to understand each other and your pain, recognise when early wounds have made their way into an argument or a moment of misunderstanding. Show empathy and concern for each other. Make space and time to share each other’s experiences and the emotions that have come up. This type of shared compassion can create a deep sense of connection and trust.

9. Know when to pause and give each other space

Knowing when to give space without it feeling like the end of the relationship is important. Couples with a trauma history typically become easily dysregulated; therefore, having time to cool off is vital to ensure explosive arguments are avoided.

 10. Celebrate all the small wins

How far you have both come in therapy, sharing a painful memory, not arguing for an extended period. Perhaps you have voiced your needs or shown up for your partner when in the past you would retreat. Celebrate these moments of change, because they are so powerful and will only serve to strengthen your relationship.

When a couple both have had difficult childhoods and trauma in their past, the relationship can often be chaotic and volatile.

However, with a focus on healing, self-care, and mutual empathy, you can create a safe space together. One that you can both look back on with pride.

Leonie x

I am an experienced and accredited counsellor based in Colchester who truly gets it! I work sensitively with adults struggling with childhood Trauma, ADHD, and Anxiety.

www.leonieholmescounselling.com

leonieholmescounselling@gmail.com