Adult ADHD and Loneliness: Why It's so common and how you can work through it
Adult ADHD and Loneliness: Why It's so common and how you can work through it
I remember before my own ADHD diagnosis having a strong sense of shame about the way I experienced the world. Everything seemed to affect me more than my friends, I seemed too sensitive for life’s normal ups and downs. I was either ‘too much’ for people or felt I was not enough.
Loneliness is quite a complex emotion and can often be about feeling misunderstood and disconnected. I remember as a little girl and then into adulthood always feeling on the outside, looking in, even when I was with a group of friends. Then at school, feeling overwhelmed, socially exhausted, and overstimulated, but not able to articulate that’s what it was. There is a deep loneliness with knowing there is something not right, but not being able to articulate exactly what it is.
ADHD affects relationships and self-esteem. Many of my clients speak to me about their social anxiety and rumination. Scared they have interrupted too much, made the conversation all about them, said something stupid or inappropriate. I remember the mental exhaustion and worry after social situations, always feeling like I had done something wrong.
The strange paradox with ADHD is that we are often desperate for social connection, but then, when we have it, we struggle to maintain it. Friendships can feel unsafe and exhausting as we are exposed to hurt and rejection.
Rejection sensitivity is a common trait in individuals with ADHD. This is an extreme feeling of pain from a perceived rejection, which can sometimes be triggered by something quite small, such as a friend not replying to a text. This makes it hard not to retreat into isolation and push people away. There is a sense of feeling too needy or misunderstood, which creates feelings of loneliness.
Children with ADHD are more likely to be shouted at and berated for being ‘lazy’ or not listening. This can create a lifelong feeling of shame in adults and an internalized belief of not being good enough, or worthy of love and connection.
People with ADHD often struggle with low self-esteem, which then makes friendships and connections challenging. This low self-esteem can stem from a history of struggling at school and being misunderstood. The impact of not understanding ADHD can also add to a lack of self-compassion and a harsh internal critic.
There is life and healing after discovering you are ADHD or ignoring it for years.
· Learn as much as you can about ADHD and any potential co-morbid conditions you may have, such as Anxiety, depression, or Trauma. This may result in a greater understanding of yourself and a deeper sense of self-compassion and validation
· Connect with other adults who have ADHD, perhaps through online and in-person support groups. Look for similarities and learn to normalise traits that you have found to be upsetting, share and learn how others cope.
· Learn to slowly unmask and be vulnerable. Explain to friends why you have to say no to social events if you feel too exhausted to attend. Apologise to friends and explain why you interrupted and that this is something you are working on. Explain to friends that you have ADHD and there are certain things you find challenging.
See if your workplace can offer some reasonable adjustments. For example, flexible working, or perhaps some more breaks? Can you put headphones on while you are working on an important project? Being open and honest and looking for ways to make the working day better for you can be a huge relief.
· Work with a therapist who understands ADHD and any of the trauma that often goes alongside. There may be many layers to unravel, and having a supportive relationship with a counsellor can be a huge catalyst for fostering change and self-esteem.
Get in contact with me if this blog post resonates with you. I offer a 15-minute free assessment call.
https://leonieholmescounselling.co.uk/
leonieholmescounselling@gamil.com