The hidden shame of how becoming a parent can heighten ADHD symptoms and trigger past trauma.
The hidden shame of how becoming a parent can heighten ADHD symptoms and trigger past trauma.
This blog has been in the back of my mind for a long time. Since my own ADHD diagnosis and having the privilege of working with so many ADHD clients, I have noticed a pattern. Parenthood can reveal underlying ADHD in adults, breaking down years of masking. ‘Masking' describes how individuals with ADHD hide their emotions or reactions to fit neurotypical norms. Years of having to do this causes burn-out and exhaustion. People can then become vulnerable to other mental health conditions, and that often leads to misdiagnosis.
One of the main issues for me and other parents in this situation is that any coping mechanisms that allowed you to function in life up until that point basically go out of the window. To further elaborate, think about all the social situations and duties you could avoid before becoming a parent. The vast amounts of time you could have to soothe yourself, to day dream and to rest.
It can be heartbreaking to accept that being a parent is not always as joyful as we hope for. Often it brings us to our knees with exhaustion, and it can take us to the darkest depths. It also teaches us things about ourselves that we would rather have not had to deal with.
For many adults with ADHD, navigating daily life is already a challenge. From managing time to maintaining relationships. The executive function difficulties that come with ADHD can make simple tasks feel overwhelming.
When I became a parent, I was undiagnosed and therefore not prepared for how the noise, overstimulation, and lack of control within my routine would impact me. Wanting to be the best parent you can be but also desperate for ‘alone’ time and routine. These are the conflicting experiences of a parent with ADHD. The struggle to be present and enjoy play, milestones and interaction but also realizing that you are struggling to be the patient gentle parent that you thought you were going to be. The constant over-analysis of whether you are doing a good job, the guilt, the shame and then later on the dreaded school playground!
The prevalence of trauma experienced by adults with ADHD is frequently under recognized. Becoming a parent can unexpectedly reopen old wounds and trigger emotional struggles.
The Link Between ADHD and Trauma
Research suggests a significant overlap between ADHD and trauma. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a neurodevelopmental condition with a significant genetic component. Research indicates that individuals with ADHD may have a history of neglect, emotional abuse, or inconsistent caregiving. Because ADHD can make children more impulsive and emotionally reactive, they may be more vulnerable to environments that foster instability and stress.
Individuals with ADHD often struggle with emotional regulation, making it harder for them to process and recover from traumatic experiences. Unresolved trauma can lead to anxiety, depression and emotional dysregulation in adulthood, worsened by the demands of parenthood.
Here is why parenthood can be particularly triggering for adults with ADHD.
Unresolved Childhood wounds: Parenting naturally brings up memories of one’s upbringing. If an individual with ADHD experienced neglect, abuse or criticism as a child, they may find themselves reliving those emotions when interacting with their children. This can lead to feelings of shame, inadequacy or fear of repeating past mistakes.
Parenting Demands and executive dysfunction: Parenting requires a high level of organization, patience and flexibility—areas where adults with ADHD often struggle. When overwhelmed, they may experience frustration, self-criticism, and a sense of failure, echoing past feelings of not being “good enough.”
Sensory Overload and Emotional Dysregulation: Parenting, especially in the early years, involves constant stimulation—crying, noise, mess and unpredictability. For adults with ADHD who already struggle with emotional regulation, these stressors can be overwhelming and trigger fight-or-flight responses tied to past trauma.
Healing and Coping Strategies
If you recognize yourself in this article, know that you are not alone. There are lots of things you can do to empower yourself and make life more manageable.
Therapy and Trauma Work: Working with a therapist who specializes in ADHD and trauma can help you process past experiences and develop coping mechanisms.
Lifestyle: Looking at diet and exercise and how you can carve out time for self-care is key to creating a more emotionally stable lifestyle.
Diagnosis: Getting diagnosed can be validating and help people feel understood.
Self-Compassion Practices: Acknowledge that parenting presents difficulties for everyone, and your challenges do not reflect poorly on your abilities as a parent. Journalling can be a great tool to practicing self-compassion. Adults with ADHD are vulnerable to negative self-talk. Writing down the small wins that you experience as a parent, and acknowledging your feelings can be powerful.
Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation Techniques: Techniques such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, and mindfulness meditation can help manage emotional regulation.
ADHD-Friendly Parenting Strategies: Utilizing tools like visual schedules, alarms, and structured routines can help reduce executive function overload and provide a sense of stability.
Building a Support Network: Surrounding yourself with understanding friends and family or look online or in your community for ADHD support groups that can provide validation and encouragement.
Your child can become a mirror, reflecting both the joys and unresolved pain of your childhood. For adults with ADHD and Trauma this can be overwhelming. By acknowledging the triggers and implementing strategies to cope, it is possible to break generational cycles and parent in a way that promotes healing—for both you and your children. ADHD can be a superpower that can help you be a more compassionate, sympathetic and creative parent! Don’t forget your abilities to hyper focus on certain tasks and the way that you can deeply feel things. This will all be a benefit to you in developing that special relationship with your child.
Look out for more posts on parenting with ADHD, when I explore some of these topics in more depth.