The difference between empathy and sympathy

The difference between empathy and sympathy can be quite important in how it allows us to support our friends and loved ones.

Quite simply sympathy involves trying to understand someone from your perspective, and empathy means to try and walk in their shoes and understand things from their perspective.

You might sympathize with a friend and feel sorry for them when they express to you their sadness. Although you are there for them, there is an emotional distance and perhaps you offer advice on ways to boost their mood or look to things that have worked for you.

If you were to empathize with your friend you would recognize their sadness, and perhaps even say it out loud. There would be lots of active listening and trying to understand why they are sad. You would try not to make any assumptions, or try to fix their problem.

So why is it so important?

Empathy allows us to connect with people emotionally and compassionately, and help them feel deeply understood and supported.

However, showing empathy to those closest to us can be the most challenging

The problem is that we often allow our egos, opinions, and judgments to get in the way of our ability to experience and express empathy.  If we feel emotionally triggered or there is any sense of injustice then sometimes blocks to empathy easily occur.

A classic example might be our partner trying to tell us what a difficult day at work they had and how much they are struggling. Although we try our best to be supportive and listen, deep down we feel resentful or hurt that they haven’t helped with chores that week, or forgot to run an important errand.

The same might happen if a parallel process is going on. An example might be that you have been grieving for a loved one who recently died and then your friend calls upon you for support when her father dies. The block to empathy happens because you are still grieving and struggling yourself, the similar feelings are just too intense to be fully present for your friend.

Whilst it can be challenging in many ways, trying to foster empathy can be critical for our closest relationships and the way we find a connection in the world.

These are the 3 most important aspects of practicing empathy

1. Non Judgment

Put your past experiences and judgments to one side when listening to the person, be curious and open to their experience of what they are telling you. Try not to assume anything even if you have been through the same thing.

Perhaps use your shared experience to feel and understand their emotions, rather than assuming they would be the same as yours.

 2. This brings me on to Emotion

What is the emotion you are feeling when they are talking? Engage in their emotions, verbalize what you are feeling, “I can sense you are feeling so much sadness today”

 3. Active listening… Listening and not jumping in with a solution before you are asked.

Perhaps it’s difficult to sit with their pain, if it’s your child you just want to rescue them and make everything better. With a friend you might feel they need solutions?

Often people just want to be heard. When you are present with that person, their emotions will be easier to feel, and your past experiences will not dominate as much.

If in doubt, just listen and try to be present with that person, less is usually more.