How to create better boundaries

Are you fed up with saying yes to things you don’t want to be doing?

Are you forever draining your energy to help others, and not leaving much time for yourself?

Do you allow family or friends to hurt your feelings? But feel you can’t stop it?

Perhaps you tell people too much? And then it leaves you feeling exposed and vulnerable?

If any of this resonates with you, then creating better boundaries might help.

To set a boundary is to take care of you, it can improve self-esteem, create better mental health and improve relationships.

They can allow you to live your life on your terms.

Often when I have worked with clients who have expressed feelings of depression and anxiety, we have rooted it back to poor boundaries, and people-pleasing.

It’s so hard to say no!

We don't want to risk confrontation, disappointing someone, or worse still, not being liked. So we put that person's needs before our own.

This need to please can be rooted in old childhood wounds; We couldn't please Mum or Dad, or stop them from getting angry, so now we try to please everyone around us, subconsciously soothing our younger selves to repair that early heartache. But this only serves to make us feel more frustrated and out of control.

How do you begin to make changes?

You can start by checking in with yourself and becoming aware of how people and situations make you feel, physically and emotionally. For example, if you have a relative who you see who always makes derogatory comments, and you smile and ignore them to keep the peace, how is that making you feel? Do you see a pattern in how your mood changes after seeing that person?

During the week when you carve out some time for yourself or to do activities you enjoy, are you continually frustrated when you realize your schedule is full and you have reluctantly agreed to all sorts of things you felt obliged to do. This then leaves you feeling exhausted, burnt out, and not in control of your own life.

Small changes and self-awareness can be a manageable starting point.

If you can't stand up to that friend or family member, Can you visit them a little bit less?

If you can't say no to people, can you cut down the time you are being asked to commit to?

If you still feel you need to say yes to your boss when asked to do overtime, perhaps agree to do some of the time, but not all the time.

Practice makes perfect and learning to say no will take time.

Every time you choose yourself and create a boundary, you are telling the people around you that your needs, your emotions and your time is just as important as theirs.

Creating boundaries is to create a nurturing relationship with yourself, and regain control of your precious time, and your emotional wellbeing.