'Ghosting' and how it hurts the wounded child within us.

The act of removing friends or partners from your life permanently without giving them a chance to know why is often termed as 'ghosting'

Is it a harsh and avoidant response to a failing or dissatisfying relationship?

Or perhaps a more insidious form of control in a world when so many of us are grasping onto every little bit of control we can create.

I would like to offer some reflections on why people end relationships in this way, but most importantly why it often evokes such a painfully emotional response in the receiver.

I know I have personally walked away from relationships because of a sense of boundaries not being respected, feeling unvalued, and disrespected. However, it is usually the last option and not something I would consider lightly. I have also experienced ‘ghosting’ and know first hand the ways in which it can leave you with a heavy heart and so many unanswered questions.

Some people who have left relationships in this abrupt manner have shared with me experiencing fear of intimacy and abandonment; they get close to people and worry they will leave them. Therefore the most natural solution in their eyes is to disappear before the other person does. This immediately gives them relief from their anxiety and helps them build a sense of control again.

You could call it the ultimate avoidance.

What about if you are the victim? When it happens to you, there might not be the emotional space to be reflective about why it has happened.

We feel hurt and confused.  Not everyone can just let this experience wash over them.

Firstly there is no closure, there is no explanation, no chance to make everything ok and understand what went wrong.

There is just a mass of empty lonely space to fill with your confused fantasies and fears. There is a loss to sit with, a loss of the relationship, but also everything it could have been.

Then and perhaps most importantly you are forced to confront your fears about yourself. All that niggling self-doubt, fears of not being good enough, not being desirable, and not being liked. All these issues are there staring back at you in the mirror.

When I refer to the 'wounded child' within us, I refer to the younger part of every one of us that stays within our emotional selves. She or He can be especially triggered at times like this. Our perfectly rational adult selves get taken over by that younger internal voice. The one who didn’t feel good enough at school or was abandoned by a parent, not accepted by Mum, or perhaps made to feel rubbish by Dad.

Suddenly this abandonment feels so much more intense because it’s followed by all the times you felt that as a child.

Suddenly your younger self has woken up, and they are hurt, lonely angry, and upset!

Understanding this concept explains why for some of us, ‘ghosting’ emotionally cuts so deep. It can all start to make sense when we view it from this other perspective. Now we have a chance to use the experience to get in touch with another part of us that still needs nurturing.

Harnessing a relationship with our inner child can sometimes be the medicine we need to help us through difficult times. This can start with simply just sitting with some of these feelings and observing them from a place of self-compassion rather than shame. Do they feel manageable to sit with alone? Or can you share them with someone? Only once these feelings have been properly allowed to be felt, can you then process the emotions and create closure for yourself.